Date: Wed, 15 May 1996 19:46:13 -0600

From: Jeff Hogan <snag@WORLDRAMP.NET>

Subject: Something humorous on the net....

This is an actual essay written by an applicant to New York University.

Hugh Gallagher, the author, now attends NYU.

THE ESSAY QUESTION: In order for the admissions staff of our college to

get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask you to answer the following

question:

ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HELP DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON? THE REPLY:

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have

been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more

efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethic slurs for Cuban

refugees, I write award winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my

sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe

incline with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty

minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in

Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly

defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious

army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the

subject of numerous documentaries. When Im bored, I build large suspension

bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after

school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract

artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon

over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I dont perspire. I am a

private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller nine and have

won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling

centrifugal force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements

have earned me fame in international botany circles. children trust me. I

can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I

once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and

still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the

exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed

several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do

sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully

negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The

laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic,

and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in

full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but

forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using

only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won

bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and

spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed

open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone

to college.