An 87-year old man, on his death bed and in pain, smells the aroma of fresh baked chocolate chip cookies coming from outside his bedroom. He thinks to himself, "my dear wife must be making my favorite cookies as a sentiment to our final hours together." So he musters up what little strength he has remaining in his feeble body and drags himself out of bed.

Fighting off the pain and weakness, he stumbles into the hallway, down the stairs, and to the kitchen door. There, on the table, he sees a huge plate of chocolate chip cookies, the steam rising from the plate, the chocolate chips still soft and gooey. He thinks, "God bless my devoted wife for giving me such pleasure in my final hours on this earth", and he then falls to the floor and crawls towards the cookies.

He gets to the table and, with the last ounce of strength he has left, reaches up with his hand to take a cookie. Just then, he feels the stinging Whack! of a metal spatula against his knuckles.

He looks up to see his wife standing over him, saying "Don't you dare touch those cookies, they're for the funeral guests!"
 

Republicand and Democrats

Republicans say "Merry Christmas!"
Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"

Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army.
Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.

Democrats get back at the Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes.
Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.

Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning.

When toasting the holidays, Republicans ask for eggnog or mulled wine.
Democrats ask for a "Bud."

When not in stores, Republicans shop from a catalog.
Democrats watch for "incredible TV offers" on late night television.

Democrats do much of their shopping at Target and Wal-Mart.
So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.

Republican parents have no problem buying toy guns for their kids.
Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to shoot each other with dolls.

Republicans spends hundreds of dollars and hours of work decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays.
Democrats save their time and money, and drive around at night to look at *other* people's lights.

Democrats' favorite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street."
Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "It's a Wonderful Life."
Right-Wing Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "Die Hard."

Republicans always take the price tag off expensive gifts before wrapping.
Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts ... and reposition them to make sure they are seen.

Democrats wear wide red ties and green sports jackets during the festive season.
Republicans do too, all year round.

Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent, wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in
their Christmas cards.
Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from doing it again.

Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Deck the Halls."
Young Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer."

Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas."
Young Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas."
Cheapskate Republicans buy an artificial Christmas tree.
Tight-fisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the week before Christmas when the lots lower their prices.
Green Democrats buy a real tree with roots, and then replant it after New Years.

Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play "Cowboys and Indians."
Democrats don't either, as long as the Indians win.

Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they stopped believing in Santa Claus.
Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing in Santa Claus.

Democrat men like to watch football while the women fix holiday meals.
On this, Republicans are in full agreement.
 

The Judge

 A judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not
necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed
his statement after he gave it to the police.

"For example," he said, "when I entered my chambers today, I
was positive that I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I
remembered that I left in on my nightstand in my bedroom."

When the judge returned home that evening, his wife asked him

"Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn't sending three men
to pick it up for you a bit extreme?"

"What?" said the judge, "I didn't send anyone for my watch,
let alone three people. What did you do?"

"I gave it to the first one," said the wife, "he knew exactly where it was."

The Portrait

One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his asked if he could paint Peter's portrait for a class assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.

The art student approached the professor to ask why the grade was so poor.

The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting were incorrect.

"The head is too big," the professor explained. "The shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous."

The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the professor. He took one look at my brother. "Okay, A minus," he said.

Testing his age

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results.

On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonald's for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29". "I am actually 47". This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
 

HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM:

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO

2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK

3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON

5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES

6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in CALIFORNIA

7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY

8. One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE

9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS

10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA

11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA

Minnesota

Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual morning cup
of coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio.
"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow
emergency has been declared" the weather report said.
"You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of
the streets." Ole says "Jeez, okay," and gets up from his coffee.
The next day they're sitting down with their morning cups of
coffee and the weather forecast is "There will be 2 to 4 inches
of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.
You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the
streets." Again Ole says "Jeez, okay," and gets up from
his coffee.

Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of
coffee and the weather forecast is "There will be 6 to 8 inches
of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.
You must park your cars on the..."and then the power goes
out and Ole doesn't get the rest of the instructions.

He turns to Lena and says "Jeez, what am I going to do now,
Lena?" And Lena replies "Aw, Ole, just leave the car in the garage today."

The drunk versus the bartender

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill.

In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"
The drunk replies, "You !!?? No way! You get too violent when you drink.
 

The Biggest Lie

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."