REAL ESTATE TERMS

* Unusual location:- In the path of a projected motorway.

* Local authority grants available:- About to be condemned.

* Period residence:- Built in the last two years.

* Select neighborhood:- Beside sewage works.

* Compact:- Tiny.

* Country gentleman's residence:-

No longer suitable for agricultural tenants.

* Unusual features:- No roof.

* Delightful rural location:- In flight path of nuclear bomber base.

* Box room:-

Suitable for accommodating one or two large cardboard boxe's, Folded.

* A wealth of period features:-

Your self, dry rot, rising damp and an electrical circuit best operated

in rubber gloves and wellies.

* Quite,secluded setting:- On site of proposed dormitory town.

* Well situated:- In full view of the neighbors.

* Within easy distance of:-

Next door to a pub and opposite a sex shop local amenities.

* Rare opportunity to buy:- No one else want's it.

* For the gardening enthusiast:- Grounds like a jungle.

* Extensively modernized:-

Former DIY owner had a breakdown under the strain.

* Unspoilt:- Planning permission granted for field next door.

* Deceptive appearance:- It looks terrible.

* Partial central heating:-

The room above the boiler can get warm in summer.

* Easily maintained:- Requires at least two gardeners and live-in maid.

* Useful outbuildings:- No inside toilet.

* Much sought after:-

It's been on the market at least twice before and still no one wants it.

* By private treaty:-

If it went to auction it would never reach the reserve price.

* Owner eager to sell:-

If it goes within a week the subsidence cracks won't be noticed.

* Subject to new instructions:-

They have just discovered death watch beetle.

* Sold:- Unless idiots like you offer a higher price.