Dave's Lines of the Week (Letterman)

Monday, November 4 - Thursday, November 7

"Good news and bad news for Bob Dole. Of course, the bad news for

Bob Dole -- he lost the election...The good news is he's going to

have a child with his nurse at the retirement home."

"President Clinton, though, had 5,000 people at his victory party.

Five thousand people! And that was just the catering staff."

"We have no details now about the Inaugural Ball. For example, we

don't know exactly where it will be, we don't know exactly what the

entertainment will be and we don't know who Clinton will be taking as

a date."

"Well, ladies and gentlemen, it's the day after the Presidential

election. How many of you watched the coverage last night on

television? Talk about suspense! Honest to God, I was glued to the

television set until, oh, 7:15-7:30."

"I didn't get to see the rest of the coverage -- help me out here.

Last night, did they every find the guy who voted for Dole?"

"It was a quiet night at Dole headquarters. It was Dole and a few

volunteers and the fat lady singing."

"Earlier today, President Clinton left Arkansas -- you know he had

been celebrating down in Arkansas -- and flew to Washington. It was

an emergency. Yeah, it was an emergency -- Clinton had eaten

everything in Arkansas."

"Clinton's goal for the second term -- pretty much like every

American. You know, watch his weight, try to stay out of jail."

"You've got to give Clinton credit. He's not resting on his laurels.

Earlier today, Clinton promised that in his second term, he will be

named in twice as many lawsuits."

"Both candidates are taking the last couple of days of the campaign

very, very seriously. Dole, in the last 72 hours, has hardly slept

and Clinton has hardly slept around."

"At the O.J. Simpson civil trial, an 18-year-old court intern claims

that O.J. Simpson was bothering her. Sexually harassing her, you

know what I mean? And it's interesting, O.J. said that he was just

flirting with the girl. He says he flirts with everybody and nobody

has ever complained before. Oh sure, if you don't count those 911

tapes."

"As you know over the weekend, they held the annual New York City

Marathon and our congratulations to Giacomo Leone from Italy who won

the race this year...He covered the distance of 26 miles in two hours

and 19 minutes and won, for his efforts, $30,000. And,

coincidentally, that's approximately what it would have cost him if

he'd taken a cab."

"This is the first time in 15 years I was unable to finish the

Marathon. I'll tell you what happened -- I was watching it on

television and I got up to get some more root beer and I twisted my

ankle."

"There's an article coming out of England that Michael Jackson has

paid a woman to be artificially inseminated so that he can have a

child. This man, this Michael Jackson is amazing. Think about

this: he was married for two years, is now expecting a child, and

he's still a virgin."

OPENING REMARKS FROM THE "LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN's 'FRIDAY

NIGHTS ON THE ROAD'" - Washington, D.C., November 8

"Before we kick off the big show tonight, let me just say one thing

to President Clinton. Mr. Clinton, David Brinkley is the David who

thinks you're boring. I'm the Dave who thinks you're fat."

"You've got to give President Clinton a lot of credit. I mean, this

man, wasting no time, today holding a press conference announcing

that he's already shaken up his administration for his second term.

Today he announced that Christine Lahti, fine actress, will be

replacing Hillary."

"Here's what I did this afternoon. Since it was such a lovely day

here in Washington, I went over to the Smithsonian Institute. I saw

Lindbergh's plane, I saw the Apollo 8 spacecraft, I saw J.Edgar

Hoover's strapless cocktail dress."

"Then, I went over to the Lincoln Memorial, and sitting on Abe's lap

was Dan Quayle. He was telling the President what he wanted for

Christmas."

"You know, I don't care how nice a city is. Every city has its

drawbacks. For example, in New York City, your neighbor to the

north, we have crime, we have violence and we have garbage. Here in

Washington, D.C. -- Newt Gingrich."

"The most exciting thing that's happened to me so far since I've been

in Washington, D.C. -- last night I met President Clinton...Here's

the best part -- it was not planned. It was a chance meeting. I'm

staying at the Marriott and in the middle of the night, he

accidentally knocks on my door!"