MICROSOFT BIDS TO ACQUIRE CATHOLIC CHURCH

MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church

By Hank Vorjes

VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this

morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software

giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified

number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it

will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world

religion.

With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president

of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT

senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in

the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten

years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic

Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range

of people."

Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will

make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the

popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates.

"You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce

your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."

A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language

which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are

away from your computer.

An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square,

watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as

Father

Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700

sites worldwide.

Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided

Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd

roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.

The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the

Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as

Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff

challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key

intellectual properties.

"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said

Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea

-- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."

But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common

Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in

marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father

Kenneth

Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has

increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of

the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.

Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor,

leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and

entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms

whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they

planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several

denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used.

The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing

MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".

Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable

religious architecture that will support all religions through

emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of

interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple

of different implementations," said Gates.

The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according

to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as

other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly

competitive religious market.